Fire Tornadoes

2020 carried on with its world-shaking weather.

A ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ lightning storm swarmed the Bay Area in mid-August, with over 2,500 strikes observed mostly over the Pacific Ocean. Lightning saturated thunderstorms are a rare phenomenon in NoCal, that one manifested by a combination of moisture blowing north from Tropical Storm Fausto out of Baja California, and the thickened atmosphere of a record heat wave that was baking California to a crisp. The record-setting heat forced utility companies to initiate rolling blackouts. Everyone was cranking their AC while they were stuck inside dodging Covid-19.

Over that weekend, it appeared Death Valley set the world’s hottest temperature ever recorded, at an astonishing 130 degrees Fahrenheit.

Snap, crackle, pop.

Up in Lassen County in NoCal, the Loyalton Fire was 5% contained and had torched 20,000 acres. Its most sensational aspect was a rare ‘firenado,’ a coveted weather geek Holy Grail, wherein a pyrocumulonimbus cloud appears above an intense heat event like a fire or a volcano, and a rotation vortex forms, pulling in dirt, smoke, and fire itself from the ground blaze. They’re exceedingly rare, and as you might figure, they’re a sight to behold. A similar event took the lives of two firefighters battling the Carr Fire in 2018. Death by fire tornado. It’s quite a story, probably one of few tales eagerly anticipated among the tabloid angel paparazzi gathered outside the Pearly Gates. Not that I’d ever trivialize the deaths of two of our Boys in Red by being meet-cute about it, but…what a bad ass way to go.

A car-sized asteroid, titled 2020QG by astronomers, whizzed by the earth within 1,800 miles, closer than any asteroid that large had ever come to striking the planet in the modern era. Astronomers didn’t notice the city killer rock until it was headed away from us. NASA and civilian sky spotters only catch the drift of about half the space shit coming our way, something else to consider when thinking about resource allocation. A planetary defense network that’ll zap asteroids sounds pretty Star Wars, but a smart species would’ve already invested in such a thing.

Federal lackeys removed voter mailboxes to sabotage the upcoming election, following the orders of a tin despot, a mentally addled megalomaniac who conned half the country into thinking he was on their side. Alt-right sentiment scourged across the internet, assaulting formerly unassailable, republic platforms like the right to vote and providing asylum to seekers of freedom, asylum seeking being one of the primary motives why we Euro-transplants came to these shores in the first place.  

Massive super cell storms.

Blistering heat waves.

Rolling blackouts and brownouts.

Fire tornadoes.

Asteroids.

Peak Covid-19 deaths.

Treason.

If the San Andreas let go, we Californians might’ve thrown in the towel.

Or maybe not. We’re valiant, sun-baked motherfuckers. Punch-drunk, libby vegans got pluck n’ verve. I just thought of a new band name! Since I’m on timeout for punning, I”ll save that one for a rainy day.

*Compiled from August 17th, 2020